So, an amazing guy & I recently ended our courtship.
The courtship was successful right? It’s purposed in two getting to know one another; to help in making a mature decision as if the two should continue towards marriage, or to continue as just friends.
Nothing wrong with that right? Correct. But because the Lord loves me so, he began exposing the mess in my heart. I saw that I was not at peace with this success. I either went from one extreme of extremely embarrassed & ashamed, or I was angry & bitter, that yet another relationship didn’t work out. Well, not just any relationship not working out, but a GODLY one. I say Godly, because we desired to honor Jesus while getting to know one another.
Our relationship has been the purest earthly relationship that I’ve ever been in!
Not to make law of anything, but WE did not kiss! It was seldom that we held hands. We respected each other’s personal space by not touching each other 24/7. Before we touched one another, we’d generally asked each other if it was cool. We feared God so much, & it showed in our boundaries.
All I kept hearing from the Lord when he first pursued me, was that he was not mines. I kept hearing that he belonged to Jesus, and to keep him pure. I was unsure of the details of his purity, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t want no problems with God regarding His son, that I know He is CRAZY INSANE about. Shoot, I still don’t want no problems…
But, hallelujah! The Lord really changes lives because prior to being saved, me not kissing my boyfriend would’ve been a joke. The world’s view of impossible is sooooo possible with Jesus’ grace, strength, & a good healthy dose of fear. Fear being reverence & respect for the Lord.
So, I was either embarrassed because I thought:
a) Something is wrong with you, for him to not stay. Ex: Sin in your life; you aren’t ready to be a wife; etc…
b) You aren’t a spring chicken anymore Kali. You turned freaking 24 on July 19. First comes love… & you know the rest.
c) Christian girls in my generation today usually get married young, & usually upon their 1st Godly man after getting saved. Just sayin’. Am I the only one who see’s it that way? Lord, please remove the veil!
d) You can’t keep him EVEN as a Christian. Thought life was perfect over there on that side buddy.
Clearly these thoughts are all foolish & lies, but hey, it’s what I was truly thinking.
OR! If I wasn’t embarrassed, I was… BITTER BETTY! She has showed her ugly face like twice since ending our courtship. Yeah, it’s not that often, but when she does, boy is she a HOT mess!
Betty is pretty immature. She is the diva. Betty is mad. Betty
knows thinks that she’s perfect and great; so her thoughts are… boy, there must be something wrong with YOU! That’s not enough, because Betty also wants to know exactly what it is that’s wrong with the boy! For security closure, you know… so she won’t be like her embarrassed sister above. Betty is now looking to prove her worth by self-evaluating in unhealthy ways. As if a relationship defined her in the first place.
Betty is so wrapped up in her emotions, she ignores that the only relationship to define her forever more, is the one she has with Jesus Christ. Single, married, mother, barren, in love, hurt, with friends, friendless, with a job, or without. Nothing will ever define her, except for Him.
God revealed that the shame, embarrassment, anger, and bitterness was coming from the pain of being rejected, once again. Then Jesus told me, “You’ve been rejected again. Yes. And so have I, (Matthew 21:42.) But I will never leave you, nor reject you.”
I believe that. And I need to rest in knowing that even what I think are mess-ups, hiccups, or things totally out of the will of God, are still under His control. To myself I asked, “And who said Kali, that they aren’t apart of His will? You focus on Him. That’s all.”
Although relationships are cool & all, eternity is much bigger than that. And no matter if I have a ring on my finger or not, I must remember that God’s will is for EVERYONE to be saved.
“He wants not only us but everyone saved, you know, everyone to get to know the truth we’ve learned: that there’s one God and only one, and one Priest-Mediator between God and us—Jesus, who offered himself in exchange for everyone held captive by sin, to set them all free…” 1 Timothy 2:4-7 MSG
Because it’s His will, it’s mine as well. #ItsSoulWinningTimeBaby #TeamKingJesus!
Jumpsuit – Forever21
Shoes – ZARA
Body Chain – Topshop
If you’re experiencing the same, then I encourage you to…
Pray against shame. Shame condemns. And according to Romans 8:1, we know that, “…there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.“
I had to tell myself.. “Ain’t nothing wrong with you girl. You’ve been afforded to meet someone awesome. And it’s good that you laughed & smiled even for an hour. It’s good that you met more sisters and brothers in Christ through your relation with him. It’s good that you got to experience his heart and concern for you. It’s good that you know that you are still ticklish from those darn butterflies. It’s okay if you never marry. The Lord is your husband, (Isaiah 54:5.) It’s okay if are single at 25, 29, 34, 16, 18, 17, 14, 15, 40. It’s cool. That’s not who you are anyways. Your marital status will never define you.”
Pray against bitterness, dissension, and division within the body. God tells us to love our sisters and brothers, & its clear in 1 John 4:20-21 MSG,
‘If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.‘
To myself I said, “Kali. You aren’t hard or so tough as you think anyways. That isn’t you. Betty isn’t you! You’re hurt, admit it. Low key,
you are your Betty is her embarrassed sister! You’re Betty is just prideful, times ten thousand. No, nothing may be wrong with him. He has the right to make decisions for his life, as you do! Or, maybe… IT’S GODS WILL! It’s okay. God hasn’t forgotten about you! He knows you want to have ten million kids one day. He loves you and wants to give you the desires of your heart; which should be His heart, (Psalm 37:4.) But you must remember to always choose His will over yours, as Jesus did on this earth, (Luke 22:42.) He’s your Father. He know’s what is best.”
Encourage yourself or someone else in the comment section if you are experiencing pain from a break up, or have before. What’s your story? Be brave & say, We broke up. So what?
May God’s grace be with you!