Journal

Trust


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I don’t fully trust anyone.

Some more than others. But I’m generally guarded.

I noticed how bad it was in my last relationship, so I tried opening up.

I tend to have people earn my love; which I see is so wrong, because:
a) I’m no one worthy, and
b) Jesus Christ isn’t like that.

I should love like Him.

But while pouring my life to this guy, initially I noticed that he didn’t reeeally care. He didn’t care about really, really knowing me. I think he may have enjoyed whatever image and idea he had of me.

But I gave him reality.
I’m human. I’m messed up. You can’t see that on Instagram.

I have serious trust issues. I side eye everyone.
But that relationship showed me that I definitely even side-eye God!
Thankfully that relationship presented a mirror to reflect upon my heart, (as all healthy relationships should.)

It’s like Jesus had to have a flesh example of OUR relationship.
Exposing how I really treated Him…
How I’ve really been a wife to Jesus, through that beautiful melanin-toting man.

Self-righteousness & pain is what I’m full of.
Was I really ready to be a wife? Probably not.
And he wasn’t ready to be my husband.
We would’ve devoured one another.

The truth hurts.
Wait. But does it?
No, it loves.
Lust, idolatry; those blind and hurt.

I think there’s an art to trust.
I think that we are to trust the Lord only.

I can’t trust myself; or truly, other people.
But if I trust the Lord, He will guide me to where I can relax, and not be so on guard to whom and what to trust.
He’ll simply tell me.

There are indicators & wisdom to telling your story.

Definitely those who won’t shame you are whom I’m vibing into.

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