Journal

Almost Lovers


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“You can’t satisfy lust.”

The answer I got when looking at the empty plane seat next to me headed to LA. I thought of how it ended so abruptly, and how the relationship couldn’t have been right for the Lord to do so. I asked plainly, what was it Lord? Was it with him? Me? Were we too sinful; just not right, in order to continue? Why did it really have a clear ending?

As much as I reflected upon myself, and sought what I did wrong in effort to gain knowledge; to ultimately deter doing it in my future. But I got the same answer whenever I asked Jesus a few month’s prior. My baby had lust in his heart and there was nothing that I could do about it.

Sure, the most effective and obvious answer is, prayer. Listen, I’m not deflecting or believing that prayer is not powerful. I am however staying conscious that my baby has choice in this amazing thing called grace, that we all survive & thrive on.

He chooses whether to love me or not. He has choice to choose Jesus through temptation.

It saddens me. I love him. The thought of him wandering makes me tear up instantly. Silently crying out of this airplane window to mask this broken heart, I just wished that things were better. But hallelujah, Jesus is Lord.

I see no fruit for my next statement, but my wicked heart & finite mind would love to say, “I think it was God’s will for us to have been together.” Like, say that followed by a, ‘ but you messed it up.’ That’s the kind of pompous sinful atrophy going on here regarding that statement.

But, Jesus is Lord. And if it were to be, it will.

At the time, I just wished he was there. Looking out the window with me at the creation of the Lord. The mountains, valleys, & clouds. But I continued looking through stained glass windows called tears; accompanied by the One who promised to never leave, Jesus.

Goodbye my almost lover.

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