Depression is a traumatic life event in itself although it is usually a possible response to trauma.
I’ve experienced depression once before in my adulthood, and that was in college.
Actually, that episode resulted in me accepting Christ as my Savior.
During my sophomore year at Texas Tech University, I was completely hopeless & had severe suicidal thoughts and immense crying spells. I couldn’t see my worthiness and felt extremely unlovable.
I kept feeling a tug from Jesus. He kept pleading that He loved me and wanted me and I kept rejecting Him because I did not understand why. I was currently so good at sinning and not looking to change that. Just looking for an end to it all.
I thought I was too bad for Jesus and that it was impossible for it to really be Him talking during the intermissions from the discussions of suicide in my mind. But He was!
So I survived another bad day and in celebration I’d go negatively cope.
In isolation, I cried nonstop unless I was sleep.
At night I partied and tried to drink, smoke, and man-eat the hopelessness away.
But when Sunday came, with only club dresses in my closet and the makeup on from the night before, I had to go see if this Jesus was for real about wanting me… or if I was hallucinating.
Thank God I wasn’t hallucinating!
So I kept going to church and sat out every altar call in fear that I still wasn’t acceptable, while trying to clean myself up enough for Christ (FAIL!)
Weeks later during another crying spell, after withdrawing from school and getting a one way flight back to Dallas, did I then accept Jesus. I considered having nothing else to lose and that before losing my life, I should give this Jesus a try.
Although I felt completely unlovable, I accepted Jesus as my Lord & Savior. I understood that He will always be the One who will forever love me NO MATTER WHAT.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38 & 39
Immediately I was at peace and received a hope along with my salvation.
He was then and still today, the answer to the trauma. But again, depression itself is a traumatic life event. I still cried. I still felt hopeless. I still didn’t understand Jesus and His love. So I still felt the symptoms of depression until they were no more. But I accepted Him as He accepted me nonetheless and together, We came out of depression.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.
My second episode of depression lasted for approximately a year and a half after a relationship that I intended to lead to marriage ending. I was heartbroken because I loved him. I felt unlovable because he said dishonorable things to me and about me within his community. And I was hopeless in my desire of marriage and future children.
In my spider diagram of life, Jesus is centered in the middle. Branched from that are soul importances apart of me such as human connections that further break down to familial, romantic, friendships; and other aspects that aids in defining me.
But in isolating myself from Christ, I drifted from the center and decided to self-help the other branches of my life that were withering away. Hopping around branch to branch was tiring and especially hard during because umm where’s the time in-between obligations, sleep and crying spells?
But since August 2016, I began being intentional about coming back to the middle.
Today, I am good.
Not yet good good. But for sure still on my way honey.
Photographed by Melanee Brown. Wearing Forever 21, Zara, and Pleasure USA.
Tell me about a time you had to learn to come back to the middle…