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Why I’m “Never” Getting Married


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DearNoOne

Okay, you’re right. Never is not for me to say because according to Ecclesiastes 6:10, “Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.”

However, after feeling so much pressure to be married, I began to question whether if it was a good desire, or a bad one with impure motives that could possibly be in result of societal grooming, and worldly or carnal pressure.

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I thought of how it may be grooming particularly from childhood with the baby alive, easy bake oven, kitchen set, disney princess gowns and plastic heels. Well, let’s leave the gown and heels at 3 to my innate fashion sense.

I thought more on grooming as an aunt whenever I hear my nephew regurgitate societal standards whenever he screams, “My Little Ponies are for girls!” When I know that he loves that show, (he can be apart of the little bronies crew all day at Aunt Kali’s house.)

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And I thought of grooming as a professional in the childcare industry. By being allowed into the “village” of raising foster children, and how we caregivers groom these children into adulthood to “make it,” and reach pivotal steps to be deemed as successful. Pressure to be this well rounded human according to societal and CPS standards. To go to college and complete; because the drop out is seldom glorified. Unless they prove to be brilliant with a successful business, invention, or whatever culture will accept.

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Listen, I believe there are good and bad paths. As an older woman, I should teach the women younger than me. As well as the older man should teach the younger man as stated in Titus 2. I also believe that the Lord should be a lamp unto everyone’s feet, as stated in Psalm 119:105. He will show us the path that He has for you & I as His creations. So I recognize that by looks, one could not tell whether grooming is occurring; or if I really desired that easy bake oven at 3 because I wanted to eat cake all day, (that desire hasn’t left.) But I am saying that motive will determine a lot here.

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I thought of wordly or carnal pressure when I hear songs entitled, “Boaz, I’ve Been Looking for You.”

And I think of wordly or carnal pressure whenever I scroll through countless social media posts promising marriage for the Christian girl, as if we deserve this life event from “struggling” through the single years because our minds are focused on waiting for a Godly man, while becoming this perfect woman to wed. Especially because usually if the elephant in the room isn’t faulting us for not being married by 25, then we do it to ourself.

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It can easily seem like Bitter Betty has her roots still and that Princess Petty is running things here with deciding to “never” get married. But shout out to the Lord for revealing through my last relationship how entailed I was in, the pressure.

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Now, to you whom are in a relationship, this is not a win to, “going with the flow,” as I believe this idea is passed by those who act as though they don’t want to make a choice to be intentional with you, but have made the choice already.

No, I  believe after stating intentions, then the two should go with the God-flow. Both trusting Him with your relationship by involving Him in relation to your purpose, together.

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Me deciding that I’m “Never” Getting Married takes the pressure off of myself mentally as a human, and especially as a woman. I’ve always had this subconscious of doing it for myself. But now I’m back from doing it for man to, doing it for God.

Doing it could mean, keeping my body healthy and strong for service unto the Lord, not vanity and glory to my body to attract a mate, and then to keep him. Doing it could mean, keeping a home pristine for hospitality purposes, not to prove my worthiness as a future wife. Doing it could mean passionately and effectively running a business as #GodsGirlBoss because He created me to do so, not for #relationshipgoals and to care about being perceived as a boss couple.

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I thankfully grew up in a home of witnessing, doing it for myself, as I saw my mother get things accomplished without a father in my home. If the car was messed up, she would get a book, purchase the parts, and fix it herself.

I saw my mom take care of me in her singularity as she chased away the boys with her gun, mowed the lawn, protected me, and install a fence for our pets. The Lord was my father, (I didn’t know then,) but He also really graced her in being a great mother and an awesome presence for me to not really falter because of my lack of having a father. Mommy, if you are reading this, you rock girl!

So I believe transitioning from doing it for myself to doing it for God was easier than a jump from doing it for man, to doing it for God. But I’m graced. Which is most likely why deciding that, I’m “Never” Getting Married, has helped so in this huge jump.

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I pressured myself by wanting to keep the home together, so that I can be a good wife. Keep my body together, so that I can be a good wife. Everything tied to, so that I can be a good wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being prepared by God, and nothing wrong with the things above except if they are tied solely and driven by a motive as such.

For me, it was a slight idolization of marriage if you ask me; because I should do all things to the glory of God.

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I cringe thinking of the day after the honeymoon if I were to marry my last and final boyfriend. There was so much pressure of marriage on my shoulders and I would’ve died if we were stuck under the same roof FOREVER, because God definitely led me out of that relationship for many reasons.

But yes you are right. I know that if you or I are to glorify God through marriage then we will have enough grace and time to perfect all that it means to be a wife (or husband) in God’s standards.

 

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What really drove this, I’m “Never” Getting Married, thing was the thought of my niece Ashley, (who would’ve been 22,) passing last summer. I thought of our many girl talks of relationships, marriage, and all of the above.

Ashley was in a serious relationship before her passing. In fact, she died 4 days after her 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend. He was a gentleman. The family approved, and of course we all could hear faint sounds of wedding bells in the distance.

But God had a different plan for her life than from what we subconsciously thought was to be the next big thing.

First comes school. Then, comes marriage. Then, comes a baby in a baby carriage.

Seriously? What if it’s not that? Marriage shouldn’t be the top event of your life.

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Me remembering her life and death reminds me every time of how God is in control.

I looked in the mirror one Sunday morning when I was totally over the feels, pressure, sadness of my last breakup and everything else that may have been associated; and that’s when I finally decided, I’m “Never” Getting Married.

The thought of, what if I die young and it was never His intentions for me to marry, absolutely blew my mind.

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Then, 1 Corinthians 7, Instructions on Marriage came to mind. I then went to go study it and I was reminded of being content and not changing how God found me. I was reminded how it is not a sin to marry, and of 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 specifically stating:

“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”

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In that moment I was reminded that my life, hope, and future belongs to God. That marriage isn’t an end all, be all. God is bigger than earthly marriage and marriage is beautiful, but I should focus on Him and what He’s doing right now as stated in Matthew 6:34,

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Not on some distant future event that costs someone’s annual salary, and that I won’t remember, (according to married folks.) AND THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN!!!

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Honestly, I ‘m already married according to Isaiah 54:5. Now I’ve been even more motivated to keep my home, body, and etc., together for THE LORD. I’ve been having my eyes on the wrong thing; cheating on my husband with the desire of an earthly one.

 With this misplaced, I would’ve entered into any relationship WRONG! I don’t know when the point occurred to where I’ve allowed this, doing it for man, subconsciously consume me. But it’s not going to any longer by God’s help.

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Now my mate vision goggles are off with men. Everybody is viewed as a brother. I can comfortably laugh without the dang concern of sending a representative. Even if my brother is sending his best version of himself to please me, I’m still at ease because I’ve decided to devout my life to God as a single.

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I still say, I’m “Never” Getting Married lightly because I do know that God is sovereign. Jesus is the Potter, and I am the clay. And I haven’t forgotten yet that our destinies were set a long time ago. I’m content with never marrying. I’m on God’s plan.

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Wearing Forever21 and H&M.

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Photographed by Najee Rashad. Gif concept by Jazzmine.

dance4jazz 

What do you think of the idea of “Never” Getting Married? Does it scare you? Do you feel pressured to get married? Share your thoughts in the comment section!

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May God’s grace be with you!

Scripture

Ecclesiastes 9


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5 The living at least know they will die, but the dead know nothing. They have no further reward, nor are they remembered. 6 Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. They no longer play a part in anything here on earth. 7 So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! 8 Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! 9 Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. 10 Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom.
Scripture

Ecclesiastes 11


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4 Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest. 5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. 6 Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another—or maybe both.
Scripture

Hebrews 12


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14-17 Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you’ll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God’s generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God’s lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God’s blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears.
Scripture

Romans‬ ‭8:5-8‬


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“Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God’s action in them find that God’s Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn’t pleased at being ignored.”

Encouragement, Scripture, Style

We Broke Up. So What?


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So, an amazing guy & I recently ended our courtship.

The courtship was successful right? It’s purposed in two getting to know one another; to help in making a mature decision as if the two should continue towards marriage, or to continue as just friends.

Nothing wrong with that right? Correct. But because the Lord loves me so, he began exposing the mess in my heart. I saw that I was not at peace with this success. I either went from one extreme of extremely embarrassed & ashamed, or I was angry & bitter, that yet another relationship didn’t work out. Well, not just any relationship not working out, but a GODLY one. I say Godly, because we desired to honor Jesus while getting to know one another.

Our relationship has been the purest earthly relationship that I’ve ever been in!

Not to make law of anything, but WE did not kiss! It was seldom that we held hands. We respected each other’s personal space by not touching each other 24/7. Before we touched one another, we’d generally asked each other if it was cool. We feared God so much, & it showed in our boundaries.

All I kept hearing from the Lord when he first pursued me, was that he was not mines. I kept hearing that he belonged to Jesus, and to keep him pure. I was unsure of the details of his purity, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t want no problems with God regarding His son, that I know He is CRAZY INSANE about. Shoot, I still don’t want no problems…

But, hallelujah! The Lord really changes lives because prior to being saved, me not kissing my boyfriend would’ve been a joke. The world’s view of impossible is sooooo possible with Jesus’ grace, strength, & a good healthy dose of fear. Fear being reverence & respect for the Lord.

So, I was either embarrassed because I thought:
a) Something is wrong with you, for him to not stay. Ex: Sin in your life; you aren’t ready to be a wife; etc…
b) You aren’t a spring chicken anymore Kali. You turned freaking 24 on July 19. First comes love… & you know the rest.
c) Christian girls in my generation today usually get married young, & usually upon their 1st Godly man after getting saved. Just sayin’. Am I the only one who see’s it that way? Lord, please remove the veil!
d) You can’t keep him EVEN as a Christian. Thought life was perfect over there on that side buddy.

Clearly these thoughts are all foolish & lies, but hey, it’s what I was truly thinking.

OR! If I wasn’t embarrassed, I was… BITTER BETTY! She has showed her ugly face like twice since ending our courtship. Yeah, it’s not that often, but when she does, boy is she a HOT mess!

Betty is pretty immature. She is the diva. Betty is mad. Betty knows thinks that she’s perfect and great; so her thoughts are… boy, there must be something wrong with YOU! That’s not enough, because Betty also wants to know exactly what it is that’s wrong with the boy! For security closure, you know… so she won’t be like her embarrassed sister above. Betty is now looking to prove her worth by self-evaluating in unhealthy ways. As if a relationship defined her in the first place.

Betty is so wrapped up in her emotions, she ignores that the only relationship to define her forever more, is the one she has with Jesus Christ. Single, married, mother, barren, in love, hurt, with friends, friendless, with a job, or without. Nothing will ever define her, except for Him.

God revealed that the shame, embarrassment, anger, and bitterness was coming from the pain of being rejected, once again. Then Jesus told me, “You’ve been rejected again. Yes. And so have I, (Matthew 21:42.) But I will never leave you, nor reject you.”

I believe that. And I need to rest in knowing that even what I think are mess-ups, hiccups, or things totally out of the will of God, are still under His control. To myself I asked, “And who said Kali, that they aren’t apart of His will? You focus on Him. That’s all.”

Although relationships are cool & all, eternity is much bigger than that. And no matter if I have a ring on my finger or not, I must remember that God’s will is for EVERYONE to be saved.

He wants not only us but everyone saved, you know, everyone to get to know the truth we’ve learned: that there’s one God and only one, and one Priest-Mediator between God and us—Jesus, who offered himself in exchange for everyone held captive by sin, to set them all free…” 1 Timothy 2:4-7 MSG

Because it’s His will, it’s mine as well. #ItsSoulWinningTimeBaby #TeamKingJesus!

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Jumpsuit – Forever21

Shoes – ZARA

Body Chain – Topshop


If you’re experiencing the same, then I encourage you to…

Pray against shame. Shame condemns. And according to Romans 8:1, we know that, “…there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

I had to tell myself.. “Ain’t nothing wrong with you girl. You’ve been afforded to meet someone awesome. And it’s good that you laughed & smiled even for an hour. It’s good that you met more sisters and brothers in Christ through your relation with him. It’s good that you got to experience his heart and concern for you. It’s good that you know that you are still ticklish from those darn butterflies. It’s okay if you never marry. The Lord is your husband, (Isaiah 54:5.) It’s okay if are single at 25, 29, 34, 16, 18, 17, 14, 15, 40. It’s cool. That’s not who you are anyways. Your marital status will never define you.”

Pray against bitterness, dissension, and division within the body. God tells us to love our sisters and brothers, & its clear in 1 John 4:20-21 MSG,

If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar. If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see? The command we have from Christ is blunt: Loving God includes loving people. You’ve got to love both.

To myself I said, “Kali. You aren’t hard or so tough as you think anyways. That isn’t you. Betty isn’t you! You’re hurt, admit it. Low key, you are your Betty is her embarrassed sister! You’re Betty is just prideful, times ten thousand. No, nothing may be wrong with him. He has the right to make decisions for his life, as you do! Or, maybe… IT’S GODS WILL! It’s okay. God hasn’t forgotten about you! He knows you want to have ten million kids one day. He loves you and wants to give you the desires of your heart; which should be His heart, (Psalm 37:4.) But you must remember to always choose His will over yours, as Jesus did on this earth, (Luke 22:42.) He’s your Father. He know’s what is best.”

Encourage yourself or someone else in the comment section if you are experiencing pain from a break up, or have before. What’s your story? Be brave & say, We broke up. So what?

May God’s grace be with you!