depression

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Cranes in the Sky


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I think many people can gather and come to a consensus that 2016 sucked.

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Since it to be wise that I only speak for self, 2016 sucked for me especially.

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Unfortunately what made, “It,” suck trickled in from 2015; and no other song can better define it than the lyrics to Cranes in the Sky a la carte my commentary.

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I tried to drink it away (red wine is good for the heart, white wine has less calories)
I tried to put one in the air (*flicks lighter* fuego)
I tried to dance it away (clubs, parties, balls, mardi gras, bars, bar mitzvahs, WHEREVER)
I tried to change it with my hair (want to shave your head bald again?)

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I ran my credit card bill up (shopping is a form of therapy, right?)
Thought a new dress make it better (until I couldn’t fit it…)
I tried to work it away (#GIRLBOSS validation does not apply here. Thanks.)
But that just made me even sadder (Q: what happens when I’m off the clock? A: refer to first line of song.)

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I tried to keep myself busy (Hm, *insert bird man hand rub* how shall you avoid today?)
I ran around in circles (Haha! “It,” can’t catch me now!)
Think I made myself dizzy (*fall’s out from exhaustion* awww “It,” caught me.)
I slept it away (ZZz’s, had a good snooze sleeping on myself)
I sexed it away (Serious celibacy blues.)
I read it away (Iyanla Vanzant, Brene Brown, & Ntozake Shange)

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I tried to run it away (because that is a good way to fight, “It.”)
Thought then my head be feeling clearer (I ran. I cried. I ran & cried.)
I traveled 70 states (Wheel’s up! Vegas, New Orleans, LA. Broooo I’m SO out of here.)
Thought moving around make me feel better (Still cried.)

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I tried to let go my lover (All of my lovers = family, friends, & the fine men)
Thought if I was alone then maybe I could recover (Slight victim mentality? Yup, just a little bit)
To write it away or cry it away (Well… duh.)

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I tried to binge “It” away, but that just made me even fatter.

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No that lyric isn’t in the song possibly because Solange has never experienced binge eating as an unhealthy coping mechanism. But binge eating disorder has always been present to be apart of my song… and, “It,” was my Clinical Depression.

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I cried, and laid, and ate, and drank, and danced, and shopped absolutely NOTHING away. But I believe that many who love me prayed it away for me because I didn’t even pray for myself; thank you.

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Now that I am transitioning out of my depression, I must exercise my self-control & become spiritually disciplined once again. For me, weight loss is such an amazing way to grow in discipline spiritually, mentally, emotionally, everything-ly!

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Usually a before image is shared after a noticeable difference can be seen by the natural eye; but honey, let these oh-so-current visuals of me in a bikini serve the purpose of being my, “before,” weight loss media.

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And I’ve been fighting with myself about posting images of me in a bikini. Thought’s questioning my Christianity, womanhood, modesty, motive, and ten million other battles.

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But, I’m in a bikini because I wanted to combat the shame of not loving my body right now, which is before the healthy transformation begins.

But, I’m in a bikini because I wanted to create community with you regarding wellness & health. You may be starting your weight loss 31+ days late of the new year like me, or you may have an active & habitual healthy lifestyle.

But, I’m in a bikini because I know that accountability will kill the environment of secrecy that my binge eating disorder thrives in.

But, I’m in a bikini because I understand the importance of diverse media representation.

But, I’m in a bikini because I support body positivity & self-acceptance.

But, I’m in a bikini because I want to stand against hyper sexualization of your body & mine.

But, I’m in a bikini because I want you and I to be proud of our curves, and not shame them away because we’ve identified ourselves as the doom of a man’s lusting.

But, I’m in a bikini because I also need to get over just the appearance of my body and thank my body for doing it’s job; being a home for the Holy Spirit.

But, I’m in a bikini because… it’s just a bikini.

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Well it’s like Cranes in the Sky. Sometimes I don’t wanna feel those metal clouds.

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Metal clouds are the worry, clouded state or cause of gloom AKA the battle. So I understand if sometimes you & I don’t want to feel them.

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By definition, cranes are mainly used for lifting heavy things and transporting them to other places. Cranes use one or more simple machines to create mechanical advantage & thus move loads beyond the normal capability of a human.

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Here’s where I’ve gone awry. Jesus is the crane in the sky. Not me. Not you.

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You and I are not supposed to be putting any hope in anything outside of praying it away, because the heavy load called burdens are beyond the normal capability of a human!

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My attempts at being the crane & exerting all of my energy in moving the metal clouds rendered a many of new consequential burdens… like unhealthy weight gain.

thekingkalib4weightloss-002But again & lastly, I’m in a bikini to encourage you to reflect upon yourself and then take action with what Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30…

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

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May God’s grace, peace, & strength be with you!

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Wearing Zara, ASOS, Forever21, and ShuDeal.

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What are your metal clouds? I would love to communicate with you in the comment section!

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Style

Slipping, Falling, & I Can’t Get Up


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To you, on chance 1,000. Take 1,001.

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The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again.

Proverbs 24:16

After witnessing the wind getting knocked out of me, the Holy Spirit said, “Get Up.” My lips didn’t move while every remaining part of me responded, “but… i can’t get up.”

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Shame paralyzed my mind & my body.

My arms & legs weren’t bound. My hands & feet weren’t bloodied. And my bruised heart desired so badly to get up from slipping and falling. But my body went into shock.

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Throbbing pain sounded the ritualistic initiation of a new star being born into the pattern & lineage of my Unworthiness Constellation.

On back, I gazed upon each star representing a psychological scar of past.

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The crying of the newborn star diverted my wisdom to be gained by the grandmother stars. The grandmother stars said, “The first cry is a survival call. Don’t worry. You need your rest from experiencing pains of birth. Let the Father help you & hold the star.”

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Instead, I threw my Black Superwoman Cape on, & plastered on my Perfect Christian Mask as I wouldn’t hand over my newborn star.

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To the grandmother stars I replied, “Why bother the Father when I’m the mother? I can rest and learn wisdom of healing later. Right now, this baby needs me, & I’ll be fine.”

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Shame took me into isolation. Alone, I coped. I rocked the baby. I stayed up all night. I fed the baby. I cleaned the mess made. I did all that I possibly thought the baby needed, when all I needed was the Father.

I needed the Father’s presence so that I could heal & recover. I needed someone on my team; to help me rise again.

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The grandmother stars wanted me to gaze long enough to remember not just the stories of my scars but how the Father was there to help me feel, deal, and heal.

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I usually start my slipping & falling stories the same.

Step 1 into my old ways of coping is: ignoring the pain, thinking it will eventually disappear. Ignoring it also means that I will not burden anyone, even God; because in my world, emotional intelligence is not valued & best served silent.

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Ignoring my emotional health always leads to step 2: coping with anything other than taking chance 1,001 on God.

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Taking chance 1,001 looks like giving Him another chance to be there for you, to heal you, to help you, to pick you up, to teach you how to righteously fight back, or whatever it is you aren’t giving Him a chance to love you on & through.

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I initially never take another chance on God until I’m desperate & have exasperated all of my secondary ways of coping that never heal me.

Instead I get discouraged in looking upon the vast amount of stars & assume that God doesn’t want to give me another one of my unlimited chances of grace in Christ Jesus.

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But God is above the stars.

I want to act as a grandmother star & ask you to remember the last time He compassionately offered you another chance when you felt least deserving and hopeless; Now allow that to reframe your perspective.

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For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again. 

Proverbs 24:16

The context of this scripture refers to the righteous & godly’s world falling, not the godly falling morally byway of sin. But I believe that after repenting, God even wants to help you & I rise up from the muck that you & I chose to return to.

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I want to encourage you that although you may be slipping, falling, & true to your heart, are paralyzed into believing that you can’t get up: You will rise up.

There’s hope, well because… Jesus.

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I wanted to encourage you that you aren’t alone.

You aren’t the only Christian slipping and falling, no matter how long ago you accepted Christ as your Lord & Savior. And if this applies, you aren’t the only black woman who can’t keep “it” together & appear strong 24/7.

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One of my favorite authors, Iyanla Vanzant, abbreviated PAIN as Pay Attention Inward Now. Stop & feel PAIN with the Holy Spirit to regain emotional footing, so that true healing may begin.

Take chance 1,001 & pray. Trust, from someone already taking chance 1,002.

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Wearing: Forever21, H&M, Nordstrom, Sam Moon, & Topshop. Photographed by: Yasmeen Frazier

Scriptures that are helping me Get Up:

Psalm 147:2-6

Psalm 130:1-8

Psalm 116:7-11

Psalm 103:3-18

Psalm 91:14-16

Psalm 91:1-13

Psalm 119:25-32

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“Everybody feels down or sad at times. But it’s important to be able to recognise when depression has become more than a temporary thing, and when to seek help. As a general rule of thumb, if your feelings of depression persist for most of every day for two weeks or longer, and interfere with your ability to manage at home and at work or school, then a depression of such intensity and duration may require treatment, and should certainly benefit from assessment by a skilled professional.

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Have you ever felt like you Can’t Get Up? Tell me about it in the comment section! I would love to hear how God brought you through a time of hopelessness. You can also leave a prayer or encourage someone below in the comment section!

I also would like to pray for you if you feel as though you can’t get up, please comment below or contact me here.

May God’s love comfort you.