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Why I’m “Never” Getting Married


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DearNoOne

Okay, you’re right. Never is not for me to say because according to Ecclesiastes 6:10, “Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.”

However, after feeling so much pressure to be married, I began to question whether if it was a good desire, or a bad one with impure motives that could possibly be in result of societal grooming, and worldly or carnal pressure.

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I thought of how it may be grooming particularly from childhood with the baby alive, easy bake oven, kitchen set, disney princess gowns and plastic heels. Well, let’s leave the gown and heels at 3 to my innate fashion sense.

I thought more on grooming as an aunt whenever I hear my nephew regurgitate societal standards whenever he screams, “My Little Ponies are for girls!” When I know that he loves that show, (he can be apart of the little bronies crew all day at Aunt Kali’s house.)

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And I thought of grooming as a professional in the childcare industry. By being allowed into the “village” of raising foster children, and how we caregivers groom these children into adulthood to “make it,” and reach pivotal steps to be deemed as successful. Pressure to be this well rounded human according to societal and CPS standards. To go to college and complete; because the drop out is seldom glorified. Unless they prove to be brilliant with a successful business, invention, or whatever culture will accept.

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Listen, I believe there are good and bad paths. As an older woman, I should teach the women younger than me. As well as the older man should teach the younger man as stated in Titus 2. I also believe that the Lord should be a lamp unto everyone’s feet, as stated in Psalm 119:105. He will show us the path that He has for you & I as His creations. So I recognize that by looks, one could not tell whether grooming is occurring; or if I really desired that easy bake oven at 3 because I wanted to eat cake all day, (that desire hasn’t left.) But I am saying that motive will determine a lot here.

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I thought of wordly or carnal pressure when I hear songs entitled, “Boaz, I’ve Been Looking for You.”

And I think of wordly or carnal pressure whenever I scroll through countless social media posts promising marriage for the Christian girl, as if we deserve this life event from “struggling” through the single years because our minds are focused on waiting for a Godly man, while becoming this perfect woman to wed. Especially because usually if the elephant in the room isn’t faulting us for not being married by 25, then we do it to ourself.

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It can easily seem like Bitter Betty has her roots still and that Princess Petty is running things here with deciding to “never” get married. But shout out to the Lord for revealing through my last relationship how entailed I was in, the pressure.

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Now, to you whom are in a relationship, this is not a win to, “going with the flow,” as I believe this idea is passed by those who act as though they don’t want to make a choice to be intentional with you, but have made the choice already.

No, I  believe after stating intentions, then the two should go with the God-flow. Both trusting Him with your relationship by involving Him in relation to your purpose, together.

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Me deciding that I’m “Never” Getting Married takes the pressure off of myself mentally as a human, and especially as a woman. I’ve always had this subconscious of doing it for myself. But now I’m back from doing it for man to, doing it for God.

Doing it could mean, keeping my body healthy and strong for service unto the Lord, not vanity and glory to my body to attract a mate, and then to keep him. Doing it could mean, keeping a home pristine for hospitality purposes, not to prove my worthiness as a future wife. Doing it could mean passionately and effectively running a business as #GodsGirlBoss because He created me to do so, not for #relationshipgoals and to care about being perceived as a boss couple.

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I thankfully grew up in a home of witnessing, doing it for myself, as I saw my mother get things accomplished without a father in my home. If the car was messed up, she would get a book, purchase the parts, and fix it herself.

I saw my mom take care of me in her singularity as she chased away the boys with her gun, mowed the lawn, protected me, and install a fence for our pets. The Lord was my father, (I didn’t know then,) but He also really graced her in being a great mother and an awesome presence for me to not really falter because of my lack of having a father. Mommy, if you are reading this, you rock girl!

So I believe transitioning from doing it for myself to doing it for God was easier than a jump from doing it for man, to doing it for God. But I’m graced. Which is most likely why deciding that, I’m “Never” Getting Married, has helped so in this huge jump.

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I pressured myself by wanting to keep the home together, so that I can be a good wife. Keep my body together, so that I can be a good wife. Everything tied to, so that I can be a good wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being prepared by God, and nothing wrong with the things above except if they are tied solely and driven by a motive as such.

For me, it was a slight idolization of marriage if you ask me; because I should do all things to the glory of God.

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I cringe thinking of the day after the honeymoon if I were to marry my last and final boyfriend. There was so much pressure of marriage on my shoulders and I would’ve died if we were stuck under the same roof FOREVER, because God definitely led me out of that relationship for many reasons.

But yes you are right. I know that if you or I are to glorify God through marriage then we will have enough grace and time to perfect all that it means to be a wife (or husband) in God’s standards.

 

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What really drove this, I’m “Never” Getting Married, thing was the thought of my niece Ashley, (who would’ve been 22,) passing last summer. I thought of our many girl talks of relationships, marriage, and all of the above.

Ashley was in a serious relationship before her passing. In fact, she died 4 days after her 1 year anniversary with her boyfriend. He was a gentleman. The family approved, and of course we all could hear faint sounds of wedding bells in the distance.

But God had a different plan for her life than from what we subconsciously thought was to be the next big thing.

First comes school. Then, comes marriage. Then, comes a baby in a baby carriage.

Seriously? What if it’s not that? Marriage shouldn’t be the top event of your life.

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Me remembering her life and death reminds me every time of how God is in control.

I looked in the mirror one Sunday morning when I was totally over the feels, pressure, sadness of my last breakup and everything else that may have been associated; and that’s when I finally decided, I’m “Never” Getting Married.

The thought of, what if I die young and it was never His intentions for me to marry, absolutely blew my mind.

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Then, 1 Corinthians 7, Instructions on Marriage came to mind. I then went to go study it and I was reminded of being content and not changing how God found me. I was reminded how it is not a sin to marry, and of 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 specifically stating:

“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”

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In that moment I was reminded that my life, hope, and future belongs to God. That marriage isn’t an end all, be all. God is bigger than earthly marriage and marriage is beautiful, but I should focus on Him and what He’s doing right now as stated in Matthew 6:34,

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Not on some distant future event that costs someone’s annual salary, and that I won’t remember, (according to married folks.) AND THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN!!!

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Honestly, I ‘m already married according to Isaiah 54:5. Now I’ve been even more motivated to keep my home, body, and etc., together for THE LORD. I’ve been having my eyes on the wrong thing; cheating on my husband with the desire of an earthly one.

 With this misplaced, I would’ve entered into any relationship WRONG! I don’t know when the point occurred to where I’ve allowed this, doing it for man, subconsciously consume me. But it’s not going to any longer by God’s help.

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Now my mate vision goggles are off with men. Everybody is viewed as a brother. I can comfortably laugh without the dang concern of sending a representative. Even if my brother is sending his best version of himself to please me, I’m still at ease because I’ve decided to devout my life to God as a single.

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I still say, I’m “Never” Getting Married lightly because I do know that God is sovereign. Jesus is the Potter, and I am the clay. And I haven’t forgotten yet that our destinies were set a long time ago. I’m content with never marrying. I’m on God’s plan.

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Wearing Forever21 and H&M.

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Photographed by Najee Rashad. Gif concept by Jazzmine.

dance4jazz 

What do you think of the idea of “Never” Getting Married? Does it scare you? Do you feel pressured to get married? Share your thoughts in the comment section!

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May God’s grace be with you!

Style

Befriend Her


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The Lord revealed that I am still fearfully hesitant to befriend women.

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With men, there was ease in false thinking that I had something to offer, such as intimacy, love, and affection. Romantically speaking of course, since I am just now also learning how to have pure non-romantic friendships with men.

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I have never had a pure friendship with men really until now. Nothing close with a man where they knew my soul; unless they were either attracted to the same sex solely, or unless we were in some shape or form romantically interested in one another.

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With women, its just me. Women don’t want anything but to know and love, me.

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Thankful for the revelation, and sad to see that I gave a lot of worthiness to a human connection, that rested upon a romantic physical attraction.

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I’m afraid to mess up relationships. So, I either don’t put forth much effort, or I try even though I don’t understand why someone would stay for… me. I try all the while trying to not sabotage the entire friendship someway or somehow, whether it is unconsciously habitual, or intentional. I do this with Jesus too.

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As I am now aware of my wayward behavior, by the grace of the Lord I am building beautiful and pure friendships with both men and women. I am restoring olden ones by the Lord’s leading, and accepting that Jesus really does just loves me & what it means to Him calling me a friend.

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I want to thank all of those that I call a friend. You know that I’m so broken in this area, however you’ve shown me much grace & have loved me dispute my many efforts of pushing you away due to my inability to view me as the Lord does… someone worthy of Love. May there always be grace amongst us.

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How are you in the area of friendships? Comment below sharing & give a shout out to your friends! May the Lord’s peace be with you all!

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Wearing Forever21, Topshop, & ZARA. Photographed by Melanee. Mused with Jazzmine.

Scripture

Ecclesiastes 9


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5 The living at least know they will die, but the dead know nothing. They have no further reward, nor are they remembered. 6 Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. They no longer play a part in anything here on earth. 7 So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! 8 Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne! 9 Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toil. 10 Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom.
Scripture

Ecclesiastes 11


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4 Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant. If they watch every cloud, they never harvest. 5 Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. 6 Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another—or maybe both.
Encouragement, Style

How to Bounce Back from a Heartbreak


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My most recent (and last,) heartbreak has refined me. The Lord has given me great wisdom that I’m grateful for. If I could rewind to approximately a year ago, I wouldn’t change anything to avoid it, but I would tell myself:

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Young girl, pray, pray, pray. Go with the peace of the Lord always. Don’t ignore or throw away those red flags.

But waaaaaay prior to this, know yourself. And to know yourself is to know God. Then you shall operate from a place of love, and you’ll easily recognize if it is love or not by the Love residing in you, the temple.

Be friends. Calm your heart and for sure humble it. Oh, and guard it. Those feelings must be controlled by the Spirit until a time where they are appropriate. Be hopeful by the will of God, and may those feelings begin once the stated and clear intentions are bearing fruit.

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Although that is the advice I wish I knew before, it seems that at least one romantic heartbreak per human is inevitable. So, here are my top five tips of bouncing back from a heartbreak, because you must bounce back my love. You can’t stay down.

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 1) Pray! There’s no way you can do it without Jesus. He’s gonna help you from being dumb. Trust me. Only He has the power to heal you, and help with the next few points.

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2) Play your sad songs. Throw on the Etta & Adele with extreme wisdom. You’re gonna go through so many emotions, and acting like they aren’t there only hurts worse on the day when you can no longer, “have it together.” Don’t fake your pain. You’re hurt, and sometimes, all you can do is cry.

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3) Don’t social media stalk! It’s hard. I know. Sometimes I was successful, and other times, not so much. You may want closure. Or maybe you want to commit social suicide by seeing him happy with her when you somehow wish he was just as torn up as you, (by the way, which has never happened to me. The him being torn up as me part. Never happened.) Whatever the case may be, he’s fine. Now go get fine too.

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4) Talk back to those negative voices pressuring you! Don’t worry about your future, because worrying doesn’t add a single moment onto your life (Matthew 6:27.) You may get married, you may not. Tell that negativity that you’re content with the Lord’s will.

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5) Heck no you can’t be “friends,” immediately after the breakup. Maybe someday later. But you know right now you want Little Roscoe to be your man. You haven’t even deleted your wedding Pinterest board because you aren’t over it. Get real.

TKKxNajee08Wearing Leith, Puma, Forever21, and a thrifted find. Photographed by Najee Rashad.

Those are my personal top 5! How do you bounce back from a heartbreak? Share with me your healthy post breakup tips in the comment section!

May God’s peace be with you!

Encouragement, Journal

Introversion Note to Jesus Level: Extreme


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I remember a time when I didn’t have any friends.
I remember it was just You, and just me.
I want to find life and live it abundantly.
I want to do it alone,
alone with You.

Cold. Presently not present.
Exclamation mark on the end of excommunicated.
I want to be forever alone with the One who will never hurt me, leave me, bruise me, and whom continuously bleeds for me.

I must remind myself that this isn’t real life. One day, there’ll be no more pain for us all. No more anger, nor hurting the Lord. No more bitterness. No more pride and shame. No more games and running the same mountain again. No more people nor angels, who are lame for wanting fame.

Jesus + Kali (and the cats), forever.

We gone thug it out until the end!

XOXO